So I am attending a psychotherapy group. Based around the principles of DBT and I thought i might staart blogging about the things that come up that i ponder over etc.
We are learning about compassion. Learning compassion for oneself is apparently key to gaining self-confidence and self-esteem. To being able to put paid the the chatter in your head that goes round and round and eventually treads a familiar loop in your mind.
There are a number of things I have figured out or I guess formulated from whazt I have learnt. One of these I will blog about later. TOday I want to talk about ME!
This is intensely difficult for me. I have done the group once before. THere was one woman in the group in particular who seemed to ridicule me somewhat for how little i said. So this time round. I talk. I talk a lot. But its the intellectual responding to other peoples issues etc not talking about things that bother me or trip me up. Im afraid I come across as a know it all. I dont wwant to, the reason I can respond t the things that come up is because I have been there, I have puzzled over that. It may even be that listening to what you said has finally made everything fall into place in my mind. But its hard for me to articulate this in a personal manner. The intellectual is safe. The teacher/therapist rol eis safe. I am not as vulnerable in that mode as I would be if i was just ME. Of course that intellectual part is a part of me. As hard as it is for me to accept and admit it, I am intelligent and I approach things in a somewhat unique way. As in I cant learn or retain information if I dont understand it. I remember first year at university I just rote learned pretty much. Its all you had to do in order to do well. But as my grades obsession grew and grew to be the giant all consuming monster that it became then i had to do more and more to make sure i kept my perfect record. By honours and even third year I would spend days when i was studying researching a single reaction, a single concept because I didnt understand it and so i had to find more information in order for it all to make sense. I thirst for knowledge and so i take in every little thing and then chew it around in my head until i finally make an image that i think suits from all the colours and lines and shades. But how do i reign in the intellectual and show some emotion? How do I allow myself to let that knowledge armour go for a bit?
This is my challenge for the week. To talk about Me :O
For me clearly the first step in being able to solve a problem is understanding the nature of the problem. So i thought about it and this is where I get to. I used to be quiet. I blended in with the surroundings. I watched, I listened but I didnt partake. Ive been th quiet one, the shy one ever since i can remember. Its got me yelled at many a time. I guess silence does make people uncomfortable but in all honesty I didnt know what I was supposed to say. And to be frank I was terrified of saying the wrong thing.
My quietness has been a 'BAD' thing ever since I can remember. My last experience was my previous supervisor gettting upset because I didn't talk to her enough. She didnt get how I learnt, the puzzle, the sorting the finally piecing together. She also didnt get how damm stubbornly independent I am. It rankled her. I also didnt like the negativity and so tried to avoid it. THis didnt go down well. Again my silence was BAD. It upset people.
I was training to be a personal trainer at the time. Now thats a job you just cant be silent in. I had to face one of my huge fears. Speaking to people. Chatting. FUCK i didnt know how to just chat. I didnt know how to engage in small talk. I felt like i was drowning. I would think things over in my head. 'Say this..." "Come on." "Just say it!" and round and round id go getting more anxious all the time. But i learnt something. People liked to hear the random facts that i would sometimes pop into a conversation. I had a client who really developed me as a PT. She got my wacky sense of humour we clicked and suddenly i could talk about silly things to her and she would laugh at the random facts. She appreciated the little bits of humourous personal experience i would pop in. And other poeple liked it to. So intellect saved me. Having a bag full of facts to rabbit about allowed me to burble away. Its how i learned to not be BAD. Not be silent. To be intellectual.
I do it with my mum. We hardly ever have anything but intellectual conversations and thats because I still cant let my guard down enough to really talk to her. THe trust is gone. She might hurt me again.
Its a long slow journey for me to build trust but there is also something I know. That trust is quicker to develop if the sharing is mutual. It wasnt until my Schatzi shared a problem with me that the bond was set - it literally was a sigh of relief "My god you struggle too!" Not that I want her to be struggling but theat shared burden that simple expresing a problem meant i didnt feel alone. Different. The only one carrying around these huge weights, that have to be hidden away. Thats when we really truely started to develop and special trusting friendship.
So this week I have to take off my mail shirt, put down my shield and let a little bit of skin and vulnerability show. I have to personalise my inteloect with my experiences.
Am i terrified. Hell yes. THis is shaky ground. But its the only way for me to break down these barriers. To stop the loop of - I talk to much. Im just a know it all. Everyone is gonna hate me. Its something that needs to be done for me to grow and develop. For me to gain a voice so that one day I might actually be able to say
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!
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